ME AND RELIGION

That's right, they put the chimney up there specifically for this

I'm sitting here watching 115 old geezers in red frocks swear an oath to secrecy before they lock themselves in a church to elect a new boss.

They're taking it in turns of course. It'd probably save a bit of time if they all took the oath together, but that doesn't seem to have occurred to them. It'll be something traditional, I suppose, although, like I say, I'm watching them do it. From the other side of the world. From several different camera angles. On two different channels. How traditional.

It reminds me of watching Pope Benedict XVI leaving the Vatican on his last day, by HELICOPTER. Presumably, Gregory, the last pope to resign, went exactly the same way - although I'm not sure where they hired the chopper in 1415.

There are just so many things about organised religion I'll never understand. When you're talking a religion as organised as Catholicism, I'm utterly lost.

Oh, exciting though. Everyone's just been biffed out of the Sistine Chapel so the cardinals can get down to it. Even the cameramen and boom operators. I hope all those cardinals remembered to go before they went - it could be a long session.

Apparently there are 1.2 billion Catholics around the world, represented by about the same number of cardinals in the Vatican as we have MPs in the Beehive. I assume the Catholics must have more efficient lines of communication between the priests and their congregations than we do with our elected officials. No doubt each of those 1.2 billion have done their research, whittled down the list of papal prospects and passed on their preference for future pontiff. Right?

In reality, I wonder how many Catholics have any idea who ANY of the hot prospects for pope are this time round. Maybe they do. Maybe I'm making sweeping, ill-informed comments without any basis whatsoever. Maybe.

It's like any other pop star I guess. We don't really need to know who they are, as long as we like their music. And just like any other pop star, the first thing the new pope will do is change his name to something more catchy. Then hundreds of thousands will turn up for regular performances at Saint Peter's Square. If we're REALLY lucky, the new pope star will go on tour, playing sellout venues in exotic locations.

Not that we'd ever worship false idols, of course. I understand there are strict rules about that sort of thing.

Maybe I don't understand this stuff because I was raised as a Methodist. From what I saw, Methodism wasn't so much about men dressing up in frocks and waving smoke around as the morning tea after the service. I love morning tea, don't you? 

Every time I look up, there's some other bit of silliness going on, from stupid hats to singing in Latin to closing the doors to the Sistine Chapel really slowly for dramatic effect. Surely there must be better ways to spend your Sunday than taking part in this celebration of ridiculousness. Like sleeping in, for example.

That's actually how I got out of going to church in the end, I'd just pretend to be asleep. Ironic really, given most of the time I spent at church, I was pretending I was awake.

Too much ceremony, too much pomp, too much hysteria. Where does God fit in to all this? Remember him? Presumably the 1.2 billion thought Catholicism was a good way to get closer to him - or did they just choose the religion with the best dressed head cleric?

Hey... there's black smoke coming out of their fake chimney now. That means no new pope yet. Goody, I get to watch this all again tomorrow.

No sir, I don't get it. I don't get any of it. If that means I'm going to hell, I hope I don't have to speak Latin when I get there.

Amazingly similar to the newsroom's Melbourne Cup sweep -
just with crazier outfits