SAVING THE FIRST TILL LAST

No, I have no idea what this is supposed to be either. Pretty neat though

Alright, alright. Here it is. Yes, I went to Disneyland. Yes, I kept saying I'd write about it and no, I haven't yet, even though it was pretty much our first stop.

So, does that mean Las Vegas, San Francisco and the American food left more of a lasting impression than the happiest place on earth? Quite the opposite - that's why I knew I could leave it till the end. Some memories fade faster than others, but the ones involving fountains, fireworks and sudden drops tend to linger.

As an adult, you have to wonder how Disneyland could ever live up to the hype. You know it's the original amusement park, the one that set the standard. A place you've fantasised about your entire childhood. But if you never got to go there as a kid... and Mum, I'm not blaming you for this, I realise it's a lot of money... I'm not bitter... Not at all... But if you never made it while still young, you tell yourself the reality could never match the myth.

How magical can one fun park be? Surely it'll be like any other; too many queues, too much litter, the vague odour of greasy fast-food and a hint of vomit wafting through the air... Well believe me when I tell you, Disneyland has still got it. (No, not the smell, the BIG it)

Obviously if you've been, I'm telling you everything you've already experienced for yourself, but I hope if you keep reading, I'll be helping you relive the wonder.

Even before you enter the park, it's almost as if a spell has been cast over you. Music is everywhere. Everything has been scrubbed clean. The security team checking your bags for bombs and guns do it with smiles on their faces - genuine smiles.

I don't need to detail every attraction for you, there are plenty of websites and apps for that, websites and apps I had been assigned to review before we even left the country. I didn't of course, I'm far too lazy and useless. This led to a certain amount of wondering what to do first. Luckily, Elder Monster is a natural-born genius when it comes to map-reading. We boarded the cleanest train I've ever seen and toured around the park to Mickey's Toon Town.

It's amazing how quickly you get used to living in surreality. Everything is round and crooked and brightly coloured. See, there's Goofy. Minnie's just over there. Oh look, that tree appears to be flowering candy.

I shoved Younger Monster on the first ride I saw, a very small rollercoaster. She was absolutely terrified and patently refused to go on anything else for the next 3 days. Didn't matter though, Disneyland is a complete feast for the senses, even if you just stand in one place till closing time.

Speaking of Younger Monster, she had one burning Disney ambition, to train as a Jedi in Tomorrowland. The expression of elation on her face when she was indeed selected to be a Jedi was worth the airfares alone.

Was there merchandising everywhere? Yes. Was it over-the top? THIS IS DISNEYLAND! What isn't? So what?

Domestic Manager, well aware I would fail dismally in preparing for our Disney excursion in any way, had thoroughly researched where and when to be to make the most of the various shows and parades on offer. And when I say shows and parades, I of course mean mind-bending visual extravaganzas where the laws of physics are cast aside so movies can be projected onto walls of water and Mickey Mouse actually blows up a giant dragon. On a boat. While a full-sized pirate ship sails past.

There are rock stars who've spent their whole careers perfecting just the right balance of hallucinogenic drugs who've never even come CLOSE to seeing the kind of things they make come to life at Disneyland. You may think I'm exaggerating. I was there and I thought my eyes and ears were exaggerating.

What about the queues? I can't deny there were queues. We went Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, and the difference in crowd size between Thursday and Friday was almost a sight to see in itself. I would never want to be there on the weekend. In saying that, my monsters turned out to be the best queuers ever, quite happy to shuffle in line for 45 minutes to take a Jungle Cruise which only lasts about one ninth of that time.

Like all amusement parks, some rides rock, some are lame, but the difference at Disney is the attention to detail. Cars Land is a trip directly into the movie. How they built an entire Grand Canyon there, I have no idea, but man it's cool. The fact there are rides to go on as well is just the icing on the cake.

I could go on, but I've gone on enough. You get the idea. I had expectations, childhood expectations, the expectations of youth tempered by the cynicism of adulthood. Whatever those expectations were, they were all exceeded. In fact, they were smashed.

If you've ever thought about taking the kids to Disneyland, stop thinking and do it. The hype isn't hype at all. Anything you've heard is an understatement. There really are no words, only crazy dreams come true.

I couldn't persuade anyone to come on this one with me,
hence the "single rider" (or Nigel No-Mates) carriage