MAN OF MY DREAMS

Too much time on my mind

This is not another moan about how early I have to get up in the morning.

It may have something to do with the effect of Daylight Savings on my sleep patterns though.

I met a mate on the stairs at work last week who foolishly asked me how I was going. I'm not one of those people who answers politely when someone casually inquires after my health. I'm usually brutally honest.

"I'm feeling a bit shithouse actually," I complained. "I think it's the Daylight Savings jetlag kicking in."

This is a standard joke of mine; trying to convince people there's some kind of quantifiable physical detriment happening because we've either lost or gained an hour. I was in for a surprise this time though.

"Oh, it will be," he agreed, going on to back up my self-serving superstition with actual scientific facts on R.E.M. sleep and how a change in your routine can seriously interfere with your natural cycle, especially if you're already getting up in the middle of the night to go to work.

There's really nothing better than someone who's prepared to agree with your whinging.

Whether any of that bollocks is actually true I have no idea, but it could go some way to explaining the wacky, wacky dream I had the other night.

It all started with my boss asking me to babysit Sonny Bill Williams. Let's be clear here, this is in the dream, not in real life. In saying that, that actually is the kind of thing my boss would ask me to do. I don't mean literal babysitting, of course. SBW is a grown man, he doesn't need me to babysit him. He has a manager for that. No, when my boss asks me to babysit someone, it's usually either because they're new on air, or their whole show is.

In this weird dream, someone had decided to hire Sonny Bill to host an hour's talkback from 7 on Friday night. Don't laugh, stranger things have happened - like John Key hosting Radio Live one afternoon during an election campaign. Close call as to who I'd prefer to hear hosting a radio show - I think I'd go with SBW, not just because he knows more about boxing and tattoos, but because he can probably pronounce the word "texts" correctly.

Anyway...

I told my boss I couldn't do it, due to family commitments. I should have realised it was a dream there and then; I spend half my life trying to get OUT of family commitments. This one involved dinner though, so obviously I would have been torn.

Friday night rolled around (yes, in the dream) and somehow I ended up feeling guilty, leaving halfway through dinner and going into work anyway. Completely fantastic of course, like I'd ever leave a meal halfway through. For some reason everything was happening in Tauranga too, the family, the restaurant, the radio station, all in Tauranga instead of Auckland. Don't know why.

I arrived at work to find the station off air and Sonny Bill Williams holding a bloke in a headlock in the studio doorway. The bloke in the headlock seemed drunk, high and really angry about something. I assume he was angry BEFORE the headlock happened - either way, immediate action was called for.

I pushed the bloke out the door, Sonny Bill through it and tried to usher Mr. Williams into the studio. Angry man was now stuck in the lobby with no access card to get him any further.

I can't quite recall how successful I was getting SBW on air. He's big and buff, I'm weak and pathetic so it's possible I wasn't very successful at all. What I do know is, despite my best efforts, the angry guy got in anyway.

Weak and pathetic as I am, I couldn't risk him getting re-headlocked so I diverted him into a separate (fictitious) recording studio full of random musical instruments. I tried to calm him down by exploring a mutual interest in playing the guitar at parties. Then the guitar started vibrating, except it wasn't the guitar, it was the alarm on my phone.

I don't know how many of you have woken up at 3 in the morning with Sonny Bill Williams, but it's a really weird way to start your day.

Why would I dream all this? Is it because there's a new show on Newstalk ZB from 5-6am that's stressing me out a bit? Perhaps.

Is it because nobody really seems to know who Sonny Bill Williams will be playing for next? Probably not, given that's how he rolls at the end of every season.

No, I think I'll just go back to blaming Daylight Savings jetlag and leave it at that. It's science.

Like most people, it's his intellectual side I find so attractive