MILESTONES AND MEMORIES

My brother is about to turn 50.

I know what you're thinking; there's no way glennzb could possibly have a sibling that old! Is this some quirk of time distortion created by a bizarre blended-family situation? (I've met people who are actually older than their uncles, for example)

But no, he's just real ancient and the gap between us is massive. REALLY massive, okay?

The trouble with 50 year-old brothers is what to get them for such a major birthday. I was just beginning to mull this over (or rather, the Domestic Manager had brought this to my attention in a valiant attempt to get me to do something about it instead of her being left to organise something at the last minute because of my uselessness) when he sent an email through with this request...

"My challenge to you is to send me a memory from my younger days of something nice that I can read on my birthday and reminisce over."

So I got him this blog.

Trouble is, remembering stuff from my childhood has never been by strong point. In fact, remembering stuff from last week hasn't exactly been my strong point either.

That's why it probably means something that so much of what I CAN remember has something to do with him.

The first thing that pops into my head is musical farts. It's always been my firm belief there's nothing funnier than a well-timed fart. It just so happens the funniest farts I've ever heard came out of my brother one night when we were sharing a bedroom. The pitch and and pace varied in a way which immediately left us wondering if perhaps he would some day be able to perform live on stage, perhaps with the backing of a full brass band.

I remember laughing at the TV too. Usually clever comic talents like Rowan Atkinson in Blackadder, John Cleese in Fawlty Towers and Don Adams in Get Smart. They don't make 'em like that anymore... not even on HBO.

At one stage he had a collection of chimpanzee posters and calendars. Not sure what that was about, but it might have had something to do with the PG Tips tea commercials.

There genuinely IS quite a gap in our ages, which worked out brilliantly for me as a kid because it meant he spoiled the hell out of me. This meant I was on the receiving end of everything from movies to ski trips.

I remember him sneaking me in to see Runaway (weirdly starring Tom Selleck, Gene Simmons and Kirstie Alley) Looking back, it was probably as B-Grade a sci-fi flick as you could wish for, but it was rated R13 so it was about the coolest thing that had ever happened to me.

He also shouted me to the odd triple-feature. When Return of the Jedi came out, they showed the whole trilogy in one session. (That's right kids, back in the '80s there were only THREE Star Wars movies) I can't remember in which order they showed Flatliners, Total Recall (the original) and Robocop 2, although I admit that particular movie marathon nearly broke my brain.

That was the low end of the spoiling scale; my first bungy jump was courtesy of Big Bro, as was my first ski trip. He would have taken me on my first rafting adventure too, except the morning we were supposed to go, it snowed. In Wellington. Hard to believe unless you'd seen it yourself.

In fact, when it came to personal firsts, my brother was responsible for a lot of them. He taught me to drive in a supermarket car park. (Maybe I could have done with a few more lessons. I'm the worst driver I know) My first motorcycle ride was on the back of his Suzuki. The first computer program I ever wrote was on his SEGA 3000, a genius few lines of BASIC that could actually change the colour of the screen! I know, I'm practically Steve Wozniak. It was a bit of a pain having to back up your programs on cassette though. It took ages and only worked about 30% of the time.

We spent hours on that PC (possibly short for "Psuedo Computer") - mostly playing the awesome SEGA video games like Star Jacker and Congo Bongo.

Brother was quite possibly responsible for my first guitar lesson, although I have a feeling it may have involved "Country Roads" by John Denver, in which case I would have blanked that memory out for my own protection.

There were other less embarrassing musical indoctrinations that have had a far greater influence on my musical tastes to this day. We'd listen to the entire box set of ELO's A New World Record, Out of the Blue and Discovery, then play each LP all over again, desperately trying to understand what was going on. I thought the way Jeff Lynne could merge electric guitars and keyboards with orchestras and choirs to achieve a perfect pop song like "Don't Bring Me Down" was the ultimate musical magic trick. I also learned I loved songs with a sense of humour, like the more obscure "Wild West Hero" and "The Diary of Horace Wimp"

But it was the Billy Joel album "An Innocent Man" that literally changed my life. Every track a masterpiece, both lyrically and musically. Released in 1983, it provided a soulful alternative to the plastic synth-pop dirges or hair-metal yawn-fests that were so prevalent at the time. No wonder quirky, catchy tunes like "Uptown Girl," "Tell Her About It" and "The Longest Time" were instant hits. If you've got 4 minutes, have a listen to "This Night" - just your everyday mash-up of 50s-style Do-Wop and the 2nd movement of Beethoven's Pathétique Sonata. Still one of the cleverest and most beautiful love songs I've ever heard.

Yup, you've got a lot to answer for, brother. Almost all of it good.

Because of our age gap, we didn't really have the rivalries other siblings are prone to, although I've always been convinced if I could just catch him on a bad day, I might be able to steal a game off him on the badminton court. (I've never come close, but presumably one day he'll be too old to walk) I did manage to snag the odd victory on both the chess board and the table tennis table and those wins were rare enough, I was convinced I had earned them fair and square and he hadn't gifted them to me as some role models tend to. He built the table tennis table himself by the way. Somehow I ended up with it and now my kids enjoy it in my garage just like he and I used to 20-odd years ago.

It's only as I type the words, "role model" I realise that's exactly what he has been to me. By example, he's taught me to be a hard worker, to be unafraid to fix things and make things, to dive head-first into new technology, to be passionate about music and above all, to try and be a good guy.

We've never been big huggers or heart-to-hearters, but I now realise after my wife and my mother, my brother has probably been the most influential person in my life.

Is that why you challenged us to send you these memories for your birthday? To get us to appreciate how cool you really are? Pretty sneaky, bro. As Maxwell Smart would say, "The old Trick'em Into Saying Nice Things About Me Trick." Well played. And happy birthday.