Up until very recently, I was a devout Facebook sceptic. That doesn't mean I didn't believe Facebook existed. I knew it existed. Many people I respected and trusted claimed to be using it on a regular basis. But I was really only taking Facebook's existence on faith, given I hadn't personally experienced it.
That movie about it was pretty convincing though. I'm not sure if you could ever really take anything Justin Timberlake says seriously, but I've seen that bloke who played Steve Zuckerberg in some other films and he's always come across as pretty sincere.
So I had reason to believe Facebook was a real thing. But I was still sceptical. Sceptical... and suspicious. I was sceptical about what people said it could do, and suspicious about what I thought it was trying to do. People claimed it was the ultimate networking tool. Essential for promoting your business, your brand, your holiday snaps.
On the other hand, I believed it was, in fact, a giant cyber-brain, sucking up all knowledge and stealing everyone's identities.
My theory may have been slightly paranoid.
Somewhere along the way, even the Domestic Manager set up a Facebook account. I said something like, "Ha ha! Let's see how you get along without your identity, once it's been stolen!" and I sat back to watch her knowledge being sucked up. I sat quite a long way back, not sure just how powerful the suction would be.
But it turned out Facebook didn't suck. Well, not for the Domestic Manager anyway. Each day she woke up with her identity still completely intact. As for her knowledge, it seemed to actually increase, as she caught up with people she hadn't heard from in ages and was kept up to date by all her favourite businesses, brands and personalities.
"There just might be something in this Facebook thing," I thought, still maintaining a firm grip on my identity, just in case. Then glennzb tv came along and I decided to dive in, take the plunge and really launch this thing with a splash. (WARNING: never take your TV into a swimming pool. Certainly not without unplugging it first)
I took a deep breath, double-checked my identity was securely velcroed in place, and created my own Facebook page. I thought I'd done all the right things; I used a whacky and creative montage as my cover photo. I secured glennzb as a unique url so I'd be easy to find. (Who would have guessed "facebook.com/glennzb" wouldn't have been snapped up years ago?) I even started writing insightful and stimulating blogs so my thousands of Facebook fans would be rewarded for their intense browsation of my page.
I then clicked "publish" and waited for the likes.
And waited...
...and waited.
I got worried. For the first time ever, I Googled myself. I couldn't find me. Oh god, this is exactly what I'd dreaded - I'd only been on Facebook 51 seconds and already my identity had been stolen. So I resorted to begging. I emailed friends, relatives, the Domestic Manager. "Please like me," I said. "You don't have to actually like me. Just like me."
That helped a bit. My page clawed its way up to 15 likes then stalled completely. 15? Surely more than 15 people would like me. I would have thought more than 15 people would stumble onto my page and ACCIDENTALLY like me - just while looking for the "Go Back" button.
Then I posted another glennzb tv episode and Facebook asked me if I wanted to "promote" it. I didn't know what that meant, but by this stage I was desperate. I clicked "yes" shouting, "Promote me! Promote me to the world! Promote me hard! Promote me long!" Like I say, pretty desperate. I have no idea how Facebook did it, but suddenly, 25 likes and I was on a roll. Just 5 more likes and I'd have access to "insights". I had no clue what they were, but I wanted those insights, goddammit.
I may never attain them, however, for I have now been sitting in "like limbo" for days. 26 likes out of the whole world. Does that mean the rest of the global population doesn't care at all? I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel cast adrift in cyberspace. Why was I ever tempted to put myself "out there" in the first place? Was it vanity? Was it delusions of grandeur? Was it just that I had a bit of time on my hands? Damn you Facebook! You promised so much but your settings and options are so cryptic! There must be a knack to this, but I think I missed it.
Like some mildly unpopular 12 year-old nobody's picked on their bullrush team because there was an odd number, I've been left sitting on the sidelines of the virtual world, watching the others deliberately letting themselves get tackled. (I know you don't really have teams in bullrush, but it was the first cool playground game that sprang to mind)
Mind you, at least I still have my identity...
No comments:
Post a Comment