NUDIE RUDIE ROYALS

A nice enough set, but I wouldn't suck them

Any excuse to get their kit off and then complain someone's taken their photo.

As you may be able to detect, I'm not the world's greatest defender of the Royal Family's right to privacy. I just can't help thinking, if I was one of the most photographed women on the planet, maybe I'd think twice before getting my gazungas out in the sunshine.

To be perfectly honest with you, I'm pretty much the polar opposite of the most photographed woman in the world, and I still think twice before getting my gazungas out in the sunshine. It's not because I'm worried photos of my moobs might make the Mirror's front page (They wouldn't, by the way. They're impressive, but not worthy of headlines). I'm worried someone I know might see me. In fact, I'm also worried some teenagers I DON'T know might see me, laugh at me, then go on to do humorous jiggling impressions of me later that night at a party.

I get that everyone has a right to privacy. I'm not sure about the right to nude sunbathe though. And I'm even less sure about the right to play naked billiards. I think that's my issue here; the right to privacy doesn't guarantee the right to weirdness.

As voyeuristic as the great unwashed can be, I don't believe private acts interest us in the slightest. Ringing someone for a catchup is dull. Ringing them to call them "Squidgy" 53 times in the same conversation is... interesting. Hanging out by the pool with a mate in the south of France isn't that dodgy. When that mate isn't your husband, slightly more so. When he starts sucking on your toes though, that's dodgy as. As for the future king thinking it's sexy to compare himself to a tampon, while talking to woman who looks like a horse, this is the kind of thing we need to know, even if we really, REALLY don't want to.

It's easy for me to say, given I'm not a princess, (and perhaps never will be) but I'm thinking the best way to avoid nude photos of yourself going public is to avoid being nude. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of places being nude is probably pretty safe - in the shower, in bed, doing a radio show - but aboard a boat or on a balcony or by the pool (yes, even a "private" one) is all within camera range and is therefore just a dumb idea.

Why is it so essential to get your top off? If it's to avoid tan-lines, surely the royal budget can stretch to several different swimsuits of several different cuts. Why aren't you being more sunsmart anyway? If Kate was down here enjoying a harsh New Zealand summer, it wouldn't be the paparazzi she'd be trying to evade, it'd be gangs of concerned mums telling her to slip, slop, slap and wrap... oh, and then moisturise before she starts peeling.

"Wait just a sun-loving minute!" I hear many of the more liberal of you cry. "Being nude isn't weird! It's perfectly natural, and nothing to be ashamed of." Then don't be. The only reason Topless Kate is a story, is the threat of royal legal action over the impending publication of the pics. If nudie rudie sunbathing is nothing to be ashamed of, why sue? Why are topless photos any more embarrassing than the ones of you riding on the back of a truck that's been decorated to look like a boat? (It didn't look anything LIKE a boat, by the way. It looked like a truck decorated to look like a boat. Now THAT's embarrassing)

When you think about it, life as a royal is just a succession of embarrassing events. Before the "boat-truck", they were suspended up a 130 foot tree in Borneo by a complicated system of ropes and pulleys. Post "boat-truck", Wills and Kate were forced to board an ACTUAL boat sporting a full-sized sofa for them to park their royal arses on. It gets better, once in Tuvalu, they're carried from their plane on the shoulders of bunch of warriors. How is ANY of that more publishable than a bit of bare boob action?

Is it just Kate's funbags we're not allowed to lay eyes on? Or are there other body parts she's a bit sensitive about? I hope she doesn't have excessively knobbly elbows - they could be tricky to keep out of frame. Maybe there's an unsightly mole just above the left knee. Are bum shots kosher if she's in jeans? What about when she's wearing bike shorts? There are a lot of grey areas here... Actually, that's a point - can we publish pictures of her grey areas, or are they out of bounds too?

You can't have it both ways, Kate. Either be nude, and let people see you being nude, or don't be nude. Most of us choose not to be nude, but maybe we're not as liberated as you royals.

I figured I'd get in first an publish my moob before anyone else can. Gross, eh?