BEING ON MY BEST BEHAVIOUR

I'm sure she's a very nice lady... under the suit, cape and mask

This morning I had the CEO breathing down my neck. Literally. She stood directly behind my chair while I operated New Zealand's highest rating radio show, asking me insightful questions about every single thing I was doing.

She's new and for some reason she seems to think spending a few hours with each department will give her a good, first-hand overview of the entire company. She's right of course, it will, but it was still a bit creepy having your own personal overlord scrutinising your every move for 2 and 1/2 hours. I felt a bit like one of those dudes in the grey uniforms who work on the Death Star, constantly terrified of cocking something up in case Darth Vader walks round the corner, sees what you've done and crushes your larynx using only the Force.

Is comparing the new CEO to Darth Vader a somewhat career-limiting manoeuvre? The mere fact I'm even posing that question shows my major failing in any situation like this; I simply can't keep my big trap shut. It's a reflex thing. When I'm nervous, or I feel like I have to impress someone, I instantly morph into a teenager out on a first date. I've always been like that... at job interviews, socialising in strange groups... out on first dates... the smart-arse remarks just start coming and I can't stop them. A bit like diarrhoea.

They're usually not even good jokes, it's literally just me running off at the mouth. Here's a classic example...

CEO: "So what's supposed to be happening now?"

ME: "I was supposed to fire off an ad break, but I didn't because I was too busy answering your questions."

See? Not only not funny, but also a very accurate depiction of how mediocre I am at my job. Nice work, glennzb. By now she's probably wondering why they hired you in the first place.

It'd be different if this executive neck-breathing thing was an everyday occurrence. I mean, I  see my boss every day and HE doesn't make me nervous. (Doesn't stop me making stupid jokes around him, or indeed ABOUT him - again, potentially career-limiting, but I think this is more of a challenging-authority-thing than a nerves-thing. When I stop and think about it, I seem to have a lot of "things" going on)

Sadly, the more determined I am to make a good impression, the less likely that becomes. At one point I actually called her a "blonde lady" and asked her if she wanted to host the show. I say, "at one point", but it was pretty much the very first thing I said to her. It was all downhill from there.

I find some consolation in the fact I have made it past the first date before. Once or twice I've even successfully navigated job interviews and ended up with an actual job. Presumably the girls and interviewers in question saw past my initial dickishness, to some of my less annoying qualities concealed beneath. A miracle really because they're quite well concealed and an extremely long way beneath. Talk about defying the odds.

So now my only hope is our new CEO can do the same... and I don't mean go out on a date with me. God, imagine how ridiculous my behaviour would be then! No, for now I'll just settle for her letting me keep my job. Oh, and not crushing my larynx would be nice too.

The neck in question, as breathed down by our new CEO