THE MARATHON MYSTERY... WHY???

Mark Richardson's actual foot. It's a foot, but not as we know it.

In this life, there are many things I don't understand. Women. Children. Animals. Reality TV. Australian Rules Football. The meaning of the Australian national anthem. Australians generally.

I don't understand why they make reporters stand in storms when everyone else has been evacuated. I don't understand why suddenly men's pants suddenly have short legs with cuffs. I don't understand why an internet provider would use a turtle to demonstrate the benefits of superfast broadband.

But the thing I don't understand more than anything else this week is why people run marathons.

The reason this is top of mind for me is the Auckland Marathon happened on Sunday, and inexplicably, many of my colleagues took part. In fact, it appears many of EVERYBODY's colleagues took part. 16,500 competitors turned up and I still have no idea why.

Oh, sure I get a few of them probably fancied they were in with a shot of winning the thing. That in itself would be an interesting statistic; exactly how many WERE in it to win it? 50? 100? I mean, it IS a race right? If I'm not mistaken, isn't the point of a race to get to the end of it faster than anyone else? It's not the school cross-country - the Auckland Marathon isn't compulsory - so why the hell would you enter, knowing you'll be pipped at the post before you even start? And when I say, "pipped at the post," in most cases I mean absolutely humiliated by many minutes if not for most, beaten by hours. HOURS!

If the vast majority aren't trying to win, what other reason could there be? One I've heard before is something like that old mountain climbing adage, "because it's there." I almost understand the logic of this. You've never run a marathon before. Other people have. You'd like to cross it off your list. Let's get it over and done with. Why it got onto your list in the first place is still in question, but if it did, I get that.

However...

Many, if not most of these idiots weren't first-timers. They'd punished themselves this way before. They'd crossed "marathon" off the list, only to add it back on at the bottom again. What's that about? Subjecting yourself to hour after hour of aerobic torture barely made sense the first time, but achieving something you've already achieved? Isn't that like playing a video game you've already clocked just to beat your previous high score - ie: a thoroughly pointless accomplishment nobody else cares about?

Make no mistake, even a HALF-marathon is no picnic. We're talking blisters. Joint pain. Bleeding nipples. Yep, bleeding nipples! Come on people? What reasonable, sane person embarks on any kind of endeavor that requires you to TAPE YOUR NIPPLES to avoid a loss of blood?

Presumably there are records to be broken. The most marathons run. The most Auckland Marathons run. The most marathons run in a calendar year. The most blood lost from a pair of nipples. Although again, of the 16,500, how many of those have a bona fide record in their sights?

I asked one of these weirdos straight out, "WHY?" 

"Gets you in shape," she said. Then she added, "Stops you from drinking so much."

She's partly right of course. The training (assuming you've been training and haven't just turned up for a 42km jog on a whim) will probably get you fit. But so will the gym. Or Zumba. Or business-house touch. The problem here is, the race itself will just about kill you and you won't actually be able to walk properly for days afterwards.

As for the not-drinking, I don't remember anything about nipple-bleeding being part of the 12 Steps. Maybe it should be. Just the threat of it would probably keep ME on the wagon.

It's obviously some freak pack-hysteria thing. Masochism on grand scale. MASS-masochism if you will. In every population there's bound to be a seedy underbelly of those who get off on causing themselves pain. In Auckland, that underbelly is apparently 16,500 strong. The marathon is like their own gay-pride parade, the one time they can come out and mutilate themselves in the open. I can't believe the council grants consent to this kind of sick public deviance. I wonder how these perverts get their kicks the rest of the year?

Just look at these sickos. They should be ashamed of themselves