DEFINING ART

What's Paul, the World Cup predicting octopus doing out his tank?
Maybe he has a Prime Minister's daughter to go and pose with

In the great tradition of pointing out why I'm woefully under-qualified to comment on what I'm about to comment on, let me begin by saying, I'm no artist.

I took art at school. Briefly. I think I decided it wasn't for me the day I tried to draw Brendan Malone. With all due respect to Brendan, I think we could safely predict he was never heading for a career as a fashion model. In saying that, he still didn't deserve my somewhat interpretive representation of him. How the hell do you get the eyes symmetrical anyway? I'm not a robot, dammit.

I finished the portrait, and stepped back to admire my work, but failed. There was no admiring to be done here. It was rubbish. Don't worry, I've had it destroyed to protect further generations.

Nope, no natural artistic ability whatsoever. I can't even win at Pictionary, although that could just be due to the unfair time pressure.

However, I know what I like.

While doing the art wasn't my thing, turned out I showed slightly more promise when it came to appreciating it. When they finally threw me out halfway through 7th form (year 13) the only teachers who showed any regret to see me go were my English teacher and my Art History teacher.

Not sure why my English teacher was so sentimental about things, especially since he once saw me pashing his daughter. On the other hand, there's a slim possibility I was actually not bad at Art History.

Of course, the real question here is, what the hell has all this got to do with anything?

Well, I've decided this is art appreciation week, and it's all thanks to the PM's daughter... with a vague nod to Miley Cyrus.

This week, the media has got hold of Steph Key's art portfolio and turned it into a news story. If you haven't seen them, there are a number of pictures featuring her posing partially nude, partially covered in sushi, holding a bright red hand gun and wearing an octopus on her vagina.

Depending on who you talk to, the pics have either caused moral outrage or they are kind of cool. I think they are kind of cool and here's why; we're talking about them.

My definition of art is this; something that elicits an emotional response. The Key photos undoubtedly have achieved this and they've achieved it on a global scale. Whether it's because they're clever photos or because she's the daughter of a Prime Minister makes no difference. The fact is, young Stephanie has caused a stir around the planet, therefore she is an artist.

I certainly have questions. For example, the pictures are described as self portraits, but how do you take a selfie when you're lying on the ground under a blanket of California rolls and sashimi? Does she have a self-timer function on her camera you can set for 5 seconds, 30 seconds or 1 hour 20? Where do you buy bright red hand guns and are they available in other fabulous colours? Was the octopus still alive? If so, presumably the suckers on its tentacles were still operational. Interesting. You see? If that isn't art, I don't know what is.

Just days later, we are blasted with repeated footage of a barely clad Miley Cyrus gyrating her way through this year's VMA's, doing rude things to a collection of giant teddy bears and an oversized foam rubber finger. Again we find ourselves asking, is this performance art or just an attempt to shock? I say, given that attempt succeeded, immediately and around the world, those to things are the same thing.

After all, it can't be easy to shock at the VMA's, formerly infamous for Madonna and Britney's lesbo pash and Kanye's slagging off of Taylor Swift. Even Rihanna seemed shocked by Ms. Cyrus' performance, and she's not averse to a bit of public prancing about in matching bra and big pants herself.

Artists have always shocked us, and may they always continue to. Remember, Mozart was almost run out of town for suggesting they stick some dancing in his operas. Rock'n'roll.

I would have gone with a foam octopus myself, but that's just me