PLEASE DON'T ASK ME ABOUT THE WEATHER

I bet I could predict the weather more accurately than this floating box of tinfoil.
It's not rocket science

I'm begging you. Surely there are other things we could discuss. Things that matter. Things like pizza. Or bourbon perhaps. Why is it always the weather?

I'm not a political man. Oh sure, I've had my small crusades. Issues of genuine importance, like getting the Wellington Street on-ramp reopened or my call for a boycott of all pay and display parking, but in the main, things that get other interest groups riled up tend to wash over me like a summer breeze. No, make that a babbling brook, I'd prefer to keep any meteorological references out of it. For example, I was in favour of the anti-smacking bill because I hoped it would stop my kids hitting me. I was against gay marriage, but only because I'm not really into marriage. You see? When it comes to "big issues" I often seem to miss the point of them.

Maybe this is what has happened with this weather thing.

Why is everybody obsessed with it? Why? Why?

On the issue of weather, I'm making a stand. Ban it I say, ban it outright.

Oh, obviously the weather will carry on regardless, nothing we can do about that. But that is my whole point; why do we spend so much time worrying about something we have absolutely no control over whatsoever? It'd be different if we could predict it in some way, but all the evidence I have to hand shows we've made almost no tangible progress in this area at all.

Yet mystifyingly, we dedicate more and more resources, time and money to the weather every day.

How can the weather possibly justify 3 hits in one TV news bulletin? I get that they can actually measure what the weather was like that day, but who cares? It's already happened!

As for the forecasting thing, what an absolute crock. I'll tell you the weather segment I'd be genuinely interested in; the one where they play back the previous day's forecast and compare it to what really happened. Like they'd ever give me the satisfaction.

I reckon the amount and timing of any rainfall would be wrong about half the time. I'd say they'd get the wind wrong about 75 percent of the time and the predicted temperature would be wrong at least 6 days a week. Oh, and I don't remember them ever predicting a killer tornado.  That is to say, I HAVE heard weather forecasts mentioning the possibility of tornadoes,  but only ever in the days immediately after a killer tornado. And those ones never happen. EVER.

Why would we take any notice of that level of extreme bollocks? If meteorologists were financial commentators and they gave us advice that unreliable, we'd all be bankrupt by the end of the week. How is it these people all still have jobs when they get most of it completely wrong every single day?

It's obvious to me the weather is not science, it's magic, and as such, we mere mortals will never understand it. All we can do is marvel at its complexities, enjoy its sunsets, and say things like, "Boy, cold last night, wasn't it?" when we see each other at the gym.

Not the most specific forecast I've ever seen, and probably still wrong