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| A really arty shot of the cauldron taken with my Windows phone off the telly |
Like some wide-screen, multi-channelled pusher, Sky TV has hooked us on the greatest reality show of all time. Jesus, I only have Prime and I'm already suffering withdrawal symptoms, imagine the state of me if I'd forked out for all EIGHT dedicated Olympics channels! (And I don't think that even includes "Olympic News" - whatever that could mean)
"But the Olympics isn't just reality TV!" I hear you protest, "This is the ultimate test of skill and athleticism!" Don't kid yourself. Here's the formula for a successful reality show (or "Unscripted Television" as Julie Christie would call it)... First, take one group of people, preferably with annoying personalities. If they're good looking, even better. If they have really WEIRD bodies, better still. Oh, and make sure they're willing to take off most of their clothes for no real reason.
Sound familiar yet? No? Well here's what we'll do with our... let's call them... "competitors" shall we? Take the competitors and divide them into several teams. Separate them out of everyday society and make them all live together in their own little village. Then force them to take part in a variety of ridiculous, bizarre and sometimes almost impossible events. They'll have to use wacky equipment, wear crazy outfits and will often injure themselves or each other, all for our amusement.
The winners will achieve instant celebrity while the losers just go home early. Unless they're REALLY useless, then we'll love them BECAUSE they can't swim, row or ski-jump.
Yep. Doesn't get any more real than that.
For some reason, this Olympiad we seem to have been exposed to even more Ripley's-Believe-It-Or-Not-style strangeness than I can ever recall.
We've all debated the worthiness of certain Olympic sports, or their Olympic-ness, if you will. Most people seem to hate beach volleyball for example, yet it's been coming back every 4 years since 1996. Maybe we're only watching it for the articles. Handball's another one that seems to cop flack - but just because we don't play it in New Zealand, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. The rules of fencing, taekwondo and even wrestling have become very complicated since they stopped doing those ones to the death, but it gets way sillier than that.
What's with those water polo ear hats? Are they listening to their iPods under those things? They have a 20km walk and a 50km walk, but until they introduce the Everyday Casual Walk, there's no way I can take those wiggly-waddlers seriously. As for the modern pentathlon, if that's not straight out of an episode of Wipeout, I don't know what is. Don't tell me you missed the modern pentathlon! Fencing, 200m swim, showjumping (yes, on a horse), shooting (yes, with a gun - AND you have to run to the range!) and wrap it all up with a 1km run. Those slackers on The Block are kidding themselves if they think they're doing it hard.
Never have we been more entertained by our goggle-box! I haven't even brought up the sheer comic relief of the silly names... Dong Dong on the trampoline. Baltacha touching her tennis balls. The Japanese rhythmic gymnast, Natsuki Fukase (although I'm sure it can't be pronounced that way). We have our own representatives in this field of course - Michael Arms the rower and the inexplicable Brent Newdick. But why runner Sparkle McKnight and volleyballer Destinee Hooker decided to enter under their porn-star names is anyone's guess.
The hits kept coming right up till the last day. Kiwi cyclist Sam Bewley was a no-show in the men's mountain bike, although nobody cared because they'd only entered him in that so he could be a reserve for the men's pursuit team. How this could possibly be a viable strategy utterly defies logic, yet logic seldom applies on reality TV, and it all paid off brilliantly as the men's T.P. came home with bronze.
Don't think for a moment just because the games are officially finished, the drama ends there. Just like any reality show worth its salt, there's a follow up episode after the finale, featuring behind-the-scenes revelations of drug abuse by the apparently trans-gender Belarussion contestant, resulting in the ultimate surprise ending for our local heroine, Valerie.
What race has ever been more amazing? When have more contestants attempted to outwit, outplay and outlast? If it's idols with the x-factor you want, London 2012 provided more than ever before.
Ah well, back to customs searches and kitchen capers now I suppose. Two weeks seems like a very short season. I wonder what the producers have in mind for the Rio series...
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| Bulgaria's poor old Vania Stambolova actually stumbles over. First hurdle too. Good times |
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