IF WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS... HOW THE HELL DID THEY GET HERE?

Could this be the coolest invention of the decade?... Probably not

So I'm literally sitting here trying to watch "Eat, Pray, Love", unarguably one of the quintessential chick-flicks of our time. I'm trying, I really am. I've made it as far as India, but I'm not sure if I'll get all the way to Bali. Italy was easy... pasta... pizza... that's my religion. Turns out that bit was Julia's eating section of the movie, she's only just on to the praying now.

Not enough robots or car chases or John Cusak in this one for my liking.

It's one of those man versus woman things again. In spite of millions of years of evolution, some things just never seem to change. I think it all starts with the basic premise that men are stupid and women are not. I'm generalising of course, I'm sure there are millions of really thick chicks out there. Genuinely switched-on blokes though? Probably not quite so many.

You ladies should thank your lucky stars for male stupidity though, where would you be without it? You'd be cold for a start, I reckon.

Way back, a gazillion years B.C., when caveman glennzb brought some fire home for the Domestic Manager to have a look at, I bet she said something like, "Put that down, before you hurt yourself." By that stage of course, caveman glennzb had probably already suffered 3rd degree burns mucking around with his new discovery, but at least he now knew it was hot. Pretty handy when you've only got a 3 bedroom cave to spend the winter in.

Given my recent history of scooter-related shoulder dislocations, even I'M not totally convinced that wheel invention was a good idea, although it has gone on to be useful in certain circumstances that don't involve wet footpaths at 4AM. Most ladies would have to admit Ben Franklin did us quite the favour when he flew his kite in a lightning storm, despite  the inevitable protests from Mrs. Franklin. I can just hear it, "Benjamin! You come back inside this minute! You'll catch your death out there in the rain! Where did a grown man even get a kite in the first place?" She had a point - as stupidity goes, flying a kite in a downpour is right up there, but you've got to be happy with electricity.

This is what I'm saying; men are idiots, almost without exception, and it's just as well or we might not have made it to the moon.

Now I can really feel the estrogen levels rising at this point, as many of you reading this start to think, "Why DID we go to the moon? Seems like a lot of trouble, risk and expense for a few photos and some rocks." I'm sure Janet Armstrong said more or less the same things to Neil, back in '69. "Is there even a Duty-Free up there?" she would have asked, and justifiably so. Neil went anyway and now we have all kinds of cool stuff like velcro and microwave dinners. No wonder she divorced him.

Women need men to keep pushing the boundaries of what's acceptable, what's normal and what's smart, just like men need women to tell us to grow up and stop messing about with that soldering iron. Of course, neither Steve listened (Jobs OR Wosniak) and the rest is Apple history. Still, isn't it a shame no-one ever managed to convince Steve J. that you just can't wear black turtle-necks EVERY SINGLE DAY. You see, mostly we're wrong, but very occasionally, and usually by accident, we're brilliantly right. (Not about the turtle-necks though, that was bloody weird and there's no two ways about it)

Like I said at the beginning, I'm not saying men have the sole claim on stupid. Take Marie Curie for example; I mean, top marks discovering all that radioactive stuff, bummer you also had to discover the deadly effects of radiation exposure at the same time. How very man-like of you to teach us that particular lesson.

However, I'd be willing to bet the person who invented the iPlunge Smartphone Stand was more XY than XX. I saw the iPlunge for the first time at one of those homeware-cum-gift shops that for some reason sell both high-end frying pans and barbecue aprons with fake boobs on them.

The Domestic Manager and I were looking for the perfect pressie for an impending birthday and when I spotted the iPlunge I was sold. A miniature toilet plunger that sticks on the back of your phone so you can stand it up to watch videos and take photos? It doesn't get any more brilliant than that! Why hadn't I thought of it? Simple, yet effective. What's more, TOTALLY HILARIOUS.

I showed it to the Domestic Manager for budgetary approval and you would've thought I was the cat bringing home half a rabbit and proudly leaving it on the family room mat. "But would he actually USE it?" she asked, and I simply had no comeback. "No, possibly not," I agreed, quickly re-shelving the iPlunge, but not before giving it one last, longing look. He may not have used it, but what if he had? What if he'd unwrapped it at the exact moment everyone at his birthday party was gathering for a group photo? What if there were long lost relatives from another country there, who were due back in their homeland the very next day, and may never be able to afford to travel here again? What if the iPlunge was just the perfect implement to bung on the back of his Nokia Lumia, so he could set the self-timer and capture the most magical of moments? (Okay, he doesn't actually OWN a Nokia Lumia, but you get where I'm going with this, right?)

I'll tell you what would have happened, his wife probably would have said, "You can't use that stupid thing, it'll never work. Here, let me take it." But just because he never got the iPlunge out of it's box (primarily because we ended up sending him an After-Dinner Trivia Quiz instead) doesn't make it any less cool. Like most blokes, I have a whole box of leads, plugs and adapters under the stairs I'll probably never ever need... but imagine if one day I did. That's man logic right there. You can throw out my favourite sweatshirt I haven't worn for 6 years because of the stain, but you never know, some day I actually might use that double plug to invent something ridiculous - like the internet. Who'll be laughing then?

It's often been said that behind every great man, you'll find a great woman. I don't believe that for a second. I think behind every great man is a woman who popped out for the evening to watch a chick-flick with her mates so he was left to his own devices and ended up doing something stupid. Insert kite and accompanying thunderclap here.

I know what you're thinking... "What an AWESOME box of leads!" ...right?